I won’t apologize for who I am. About apologies without apologizing.

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I won’t apologize for who I am. About apologies without apologizing.

Have you ever wondered when and for what you apologize? That’s a serious question because I know one thing that women fail to realize – over apologizing. Women apologize too much, too often, and for no reason. And it’s time to change that. 💃

 

Excuse me for living. Excuse me for breathing. I’m sorry that we’re speaking. I’m sorry that I have a job. I’m sorry that I have the knowledge and skills. I’m sorry that I have good taste. I’m sorry I felt good. I’m sorry for having a bad day. I’m sorry that I spent all day in the kitchen cooking, and you don’t like it. I’m sorry I went shopping and didn’t figure out what you need. I’m sorry that I make money. I’m sorry that I have talent.

 

Believe it or not, those aren’t the only style struggles out there. How do you feel when you read this? Does any sorry sound familiar? The moment when I realized how many times we diminish ourselves because we don’t feel good enough, I decided to start a discussion. Discussion that I hope will stay in your head so much that you will start paying attention to who and for what you apologize.

 

I understand when you want to give your best. It means you want to grow, expand and I support it. That’s great! But why should you lay all the evils of this world at your feet? Because someone is “better”? Because you’re afraid of hurting someone? Because you “don’t know enough”? Not knowing, making mistakes, and occasionally screwing up is human and normal. There is no reason to justify denying yourself.

 

I have a question for you: Do you prefer to surround yourself with confident people or people who apologize for everything?

 

Over-apologizing stands on the way of building relationships with others. How can you trust a person who apologizes for everything? It’s difficult to build a relationship with someone who doesn’t have space for making mistakes, learning, and growing. Imagine a situation where your partner gives you a surprise gift and says: “I’m so sorry that I only have such a gift for you. I wasn’t sure what will make you happy. I won’t be upset if you don’t like it.”

 

Will you be happy? Will you enjoy the gift, when all the magic stripped away? It was a perfect situation – a surprise gift from your lover. Unfortunately, apologizing blew out the joy of this moment and made you both confused. That’s not the point, right? Are you with me?

 

If you think you’re not good enough, this is something you need to change. It’s your right to be yourself. You have nothing to apologize for! Be emotional when you need it without feeling guilty. Make decisions based on your own needs without feeling guilty. Surround yourself with wise, experienced people who will help you grow. They won’t hurt you.

 

You better start being. 

 

It’s the perfect time for me to share a personal story with you, which, I hope, will show you what over apologizing and lack of self-confidence lead to. When I moved to Berlin, I was excited, happy, and curious. I quickly found a job that was supposed to help me with basic things – a regular salary, a full-time contract, and no paperwork. I got the job in a hotel located in the glorious Kudamm district. It was a surprise, considering that I didn’t speak German, I didn’t know the city – I was supposed to work at the front desk. I took it as a good sign and I did my best. I worked 8 hours during the day, then had an intensive German course, and then I had seen Berlin to provide guests with tourist information.

 

People at work kept me at a distance. Even on my first day, I couldn’t count on full support. I ignored that because I thought that I must earn their trust. I was so motivated that within 6 months I started speaking German. I didn’t understand everything, but I was braver in contact with guests. Then I was asked to work as a shift leader, but without training. It was beyond my capabilities. Work took control over my life. I began to feel like I failed everyone. I apologized for things that weren’t my fault. I was waking up at night worrying that I was late to work. I cried after work. I was complaining about my job, but I wasn’t as honest as I should be.

 

With the following months, it was only worse. I was shrinking in the eyes, but I still couldn’t decide to leave. I told myself that no one else would accept me because I failed. My relationship was going through tough times. I lost control over my life. I don’t know how long it would last if not my best friend who noticed that something was wrong. And I told her the truth. She opened my eyes and realized how much I put myself last, again! Long story short, I quit the job and moved over with my life. When I was already on notice, I learned that the person who hired me didn’t mention a word that I don’t speak German. Nobody expected a person who would be unable to work independently to join the team, which was a priority.

 

Let’s analyze this situation. Do you think that putting everyone else above myself, apologizing to people who didn’t treat me as an equal brought something good to my life? Of course not. Was it my fault? Hell no. Did the work bring me satisfaction and joy? No. Did I bring the strength and power that I have within me? Never in my life! Was I good to myself? No. I took away my superpowers, talents, abilities, and self-confidence. I got stuck in a place that didn’t develop my potential and creativity. I wasn’t a happy woman. I wasn’t a partner. I became the lady who apologized for being alive. Until I realized that I am so much more than this job! Therefore, I ask you to make sure:

You’ll never apologize for being here!

You’ll never apologize for who you are!

You’ll never apologize for what you don’t know!

 

If you can relate, it means that you are too harsh with yourself 🔥 and it’s time to start fighting for your happiness. Your whole life will change, I promise. 

 

There is other way to live – you can love yourself unconditionally. You can be yourself. Don’t wait. The time will never be just right. Think before you apologize next time. Are you sure that it’s necessary? Why do you think you should apologize? What do you feel? Question your thoughts and explore mechanisms that don’t work in your favor.

 

What would have happened, if we reversed the situation with the gift from your partner? What if your partner gave you a surprise gift, but this time he said: “Here’s a special gift for you. I wanted to give you pleasure.” Even if he gave you an old pen, you would feel moved, right? Do you see now that over apologizing won’t bring relief, understanding? Over apologizing won’t solve your problems. Only your faith in yourself can do that. Please, stop saying sorry when you did nothing wrong. The world needs you strong and confident.

 

“A healthy self-love means we have no compulsion to justify to ourselves or others why we take vacations, why we sleep late, why we buy new shoes, why we spoil ourselves from time to time. We feel comfortable doing things which add quality and beauty to life.” Andrew Matthews

 

If you are wondering what over apologising has to do with style, femininity, and colours, I’ll answer your question. I write about things that matter. I dreamed of a world of self-confident and happy women, so I talk about the problems we face in everyday life. Especially if I have experienced something myself and I can help. We need an honest discussion and a place where we can be heard without fear of someone judging us. And that’s the space! It was worth sitting for months working with WordPress to create a place where you and I matter. ❤️

 

Do you have any questions for me, my dear? I encourage you to start talking about how you feel and what’s not working for you with your friends, family, and your partner. Keep going for your dreams!  Keep supporting yourself and women around you. One for all, all for one.

 

Have a great weekend and I’ll see you next week!

 

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Magda

 

 

 

 

Magda Netkowska
magda@magdanetkowska.com
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